Dear Wimble,

How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

InsaneBoi

Dear InsaneBoi,

As you may already know, this is one of the most popular questions in the world. Not only has practically everyone heard the question, but hundreds have spent many hours trying to solve it. You, on the other hand, have spared yourself those many hours by asking the Great Wimble.

Now, the main problem with this question is that there is no timeframe. How can one calculate how much would a woodchuck could chuck if you don’t know how long it is to be chucking this wood? Well, we can take a few approaches. Let’s assume that we wanna know the amount over the lifetime of the woodchuck. The average lifespan of a woodchuck is 8-9 years. We’ll use 8. Now, how often is the woochuck actually chucking at this wood? Well, considering the fact that woodchucks are only ever above ground for an average of 2 hours every day, we’ll use that since they probably aren’t chucking this wood while they are underground. Now, let’s say they can chuck approximately 10 grams (approximately the size of an acorn) every 30 minutes. That gives us a total of 40 grams every day. Since they probably don’t have days off like us humans do, then that’s 7 days a week, which is 280 grams a week. Now, since they probably don’t get vacations from their jobs either, that’s 52 weeks a year. That turns out to be 14,560 grams a year. Lifespan of 8 years will make that a total of 116,480 grams of wood chucked throughout their lifetime. That’s approximately equal to 250 pounds of wood. WOW!!!

Now, if we get back to the question at hand. “How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?” Well, I’d have to say 0 grams. Why, do you ask? Because I know damn well that I’ve never seen a woodchuck throw a piece of wood. Therefore, they can’t chuck wood.. :)

Hope I was able to answer your question. Hope to hear from you again.

Wimble